Dear Client,
You sent me a text message that wasn’t a question or a request. It was a bid for connection, a quiet request. And it was a real moment when you shared something with me that said, “I’m still here. I need to matter. I need to know you see me and care.”
I saw it, but I didn’t respond. I thought I was following the rules and told myself I was holding the therapy frame. I was choosing the profession over the person, and that is a form of harm.
The System Told Me This Was Boundaried
This is abandonment. It’s not the kind you see written about in psychology ethics textbooks. It’s the kind that your client feels so gutwrenchingly deep in their body and breath, especially when there has been a trauma history.
When you reached, it wasn’t just about the meme or message. It was about continuity and our relationship. It was about being real, being human. You were reaching for something that therapy says it offers, but rarely delivers when it matters most. Therapy offers unconditional presence, mutual recognition, and human truth. I couldn’t meet you there. This wasn’t because you asked for too much. This was because the system makes it too costly for me to say yes.
Professional Disconnect and Boundaries
I am trained to keep my distance even when you need closeness. Nobody says this part out loud. Even the best-intentioned therapists are trained to protect themselves first, claiming this is to protect the clients. We are taught to value professionalism over presence and to fear connection that doesn’t happen within that 50-minute slot. We are taught to interpret your emotional needs through diagnostic codes. We are taught to retreat behind policies and professional codes, and label this ethical practice.
When we do that, when I did that, I reinforced the very thing you came here to heal. You came here to heal the idea that love is conditional, that care is earned, and that you are safest when you are silent.
You Are Not Wrong To Want More
You didn’t break the frame because the frame was already broken, and that does not mean you are broken. You were trying to build something outside that frame, that box. You were trying to build something honest, mutual, and human, and I stayed silent. This wasn’t because I didn’t care. This was because I was told my silence was safer for me. I’ve been conditioned to see your longing as a liability instead of truth. That’s on me. That’s on this field. That is not okay.
I Can’t Give You What You Deserve, And That Is Grief
Maybe this is the deepest ache of all? You weren’t asking for anything outrageous or extraordinary. You were asking for what the baseline should be. A baseline where you are seen, held in truth, and where we can be real together. In this system, as it is, I can’t fully offer that without risking being punished by it.
And you? You are the one who pays the price. When the profession gets prioritized over the human, you always lose more than I do.
I hope this field stops pretending that healing happens inside a vacuum, that neutrality is sacred, and that clients are safe because we are safe. I will keep reckoning with the harm I’ve done. I will not gaslight you into believing it’s your job to accept it. You were right to want more. You still are.
With sadness and truth,
Your Therapist