This is the truth without the clinical filter. Artificial relationships don’t heal attachment wounds.
Let’s go straight to the thing people are afraid to say out loud…
Sometimes, the most healing thing a therapist or healer could offer a trauma survivor isn’t just insight, tools, or presence. It’s an actual relationship.
It’s not fake relationship.
It’s not role-based care.
It’s not “I see you but only until 4:50pm.”
It’s REAL F*CKING RELATIONAL PRESENCE!
Yet the moment we even whisper words like friendship, or dual relationship, the field clutches its pearls and throws ethics manuals like holy water.
So let’s break it down for real.
What Is a Dual Relationship, Really?
In therapy-speak, a “dual relationship” happens when the therapist and client have another relationship outside of therapy (e.g., colleague, friend, neighbor, community member, creative collaborator).
Most codes of ethics say to AVOID at all costs.
Why? Because…
- It can muddy the power dynamic.
- It can cause confusion or dependency.
- It can open the door for manipulation or unmet needs to be exploited.
Those are valid concerns. Especially…IN RIGID HIERARCHIES or WITH UNEXAMINED THERAPISTS (and holy cow if only therapists would actually do their own deep fucking work and stop hiding behind the professional shield sitting on their pedestal while flashing a neon sign that says expert & client transference. And ugghhh…that’s a post for another time. I digress.)
So here’s what gets missed…
Trauma survivors… especially those with complex PTSD, OSDD/DID, and deep attachment wounds… don’t get to split themselves up like a neat pie chart.
They don’t get to isolate their healing from the rest of their humanity.
Why the Frame Itself Can Become Harmful
Here’s what happens inside that “safe clinical frame”…
- The client opens up their deepest pain.
- The therapist is present… but only within a contained, one-way relationship.
- The client starts to feel connection, hope, even love… and then hits the glass wall.
- The Therapist disappears for a week or more… or ends the relationship forever the moment therapy ends.
To a neurotypical, securely attached person?…That might feel totally normal.
To a person with cPTSD and years of relational starvation?…That shit feels like abandonment dressed up in ethical clothing.
We end up re-traumatizing clients by replicating the original wound…
“I’ll care for you… but only on my terms. When it’s convenient. With limits you can’t question.”
Read that again!…We end up re-traumatizing clients by replicating the original wound.
How can this possibly teach those with significant relational trauma how to navigate real relationships when they don’t have a foundational blueprint to begin with?
Dual Relationship Does Not Equal Harm. Power Without Accountability Equals Harm.
Dual relationships are not inherently unethical. They’re just risky in systems that…
- Don’t prioritize consent, transparency, or co-created agreements
- Don’t train therapists to navigate power with humility
- Don’t allow therapists to be human, because regulation matters more than relationship
But what if…hear me out…friendship could be…
- Intentional
- Transparent
- Fluid and co-constructed
- Boundaried without being disconnected
- Responsive instead of regulated by fear
(Then again, that would mean that our therapists have done their own deep work and are able to have healthy, real, imperfect relationships navigating normal rupture and repair. The frame positions therapists on that pedestal where they can hide themselves behind the profession. The humanness of therapists would be exposed without that traditional frame to hide behind. I don’t know many therapists that are willing or have the capacity for that. Do you?)
Friendship Doesn’t Mean Abandoning Boundaries
Friendship with a client isn’t about…
- Becoming their 24/7 emotional lifeline
- Discarding all structure
- Merging identities
- Playing savior
It’s about dismantling the fantasy of neutrality and creating relationships that are mutual, tender, and real…even when they end.
It’s about being the first person who says…
“You matter to me beyond what you produce or pay.
I won’t exploit you, and I also won’t disappear because a board told me your love is unsafe.”
(Putting the human before the profession.)
For Those Still Clutching Their Ethics Manual…
Here’s a practical checklist for ethical, relational dual relationships…
Ongoing, open discussion about needs, boundaries, and shifts
Written agreements (mutual… not just therapist-driven)
Community support… don’t go it alone
Power-awareness… constantly track it
Mutuality… are both people allowed to have needs, voice, and limits?
Rupture-ready… what happens when, not if, things get hard?
The Real Question Isn’t “Is It Ethical?”
The real question is…
“Is this relationship creating more dignity, more freedom, and more healing for the human in front of me? Or is it replicating the same conditional, artificial love trauma survivors have always known?”
Final Truth…
Therapy that only operates inside a rigid, artificial frame will never be enough for some of us.
Especially those of us who never had a safe, attuned, loving relationship to begin with.
- We don’t just need technique.
- We need presence.
- We need repair.
- We need someone willing to stay human with us, even when the textbook says otherwise.
Ethics should exist to protect connection… not prevent it. Yes attachment wounds surface in safe connection, but the real healing happens in a real relationship. Re-wounding should not be the accepted norm.
Let’s stop mistaking professional distance for safety. Let’s start redefining what “ethical” actually means… through the lens of love, not liability.